What's too painful to remember

PTSD Patrol
Kathie Costos
April 28, 2021

When you hear the song The Way We Were, what do you think about? Was it your relationship with someone else that ended? For me, it was the relationship I had with myself. Those days are now too painful to remember.

What is too painful for you to remember? Is it the life you had before "it" happened? Is it the way you used to think when you the life you were used to, was still the way it usually was? How about you know there is another time ahead for you? A time can come when you are happier and think of the days you were miserable as "too painful to remember" instead. That is what can happen when you heal.

I know I have to share things that happened in my past so that you are able to know what I dealt with, what I struggled with and how I healed. The events and residual left behind, were hard. It makes me sad to even think about those days. It is a lot better for me to talk about happier times, like now.

I don't live there anymore. All the events, the heartaches and misery are in the past. I don't dwell on them but this work has me remembering a lot of those times when I need to. Once I get out what I have to, I usually play a computer game or watch TV, and then I am done with that memory.

You have to make sense out of what happened and understand you had no power over "it" happening but you have power over it as a survivor now. Then you have to make peace with it. It takes a lot of work, but you can get there. You have to forgive yourself for whatever you got wrong up to this point because we are all just humans, untrained to deal with anything that isn't part of our usual life. We have to learn what has been haunting us, hurting us, is no longer in control. It doesn't deserve to be in our lives now. The only power PTSD has is what we allow it to have.

Once you understand PTSD, then you gain even more power over it. It ends up being drained out of you. While there are some parts of it left behind, there are tools to cope with what you cannot totally rid yourself of, but for the most part, each and everyday is what you will make out of it.

I've already healed and so can you. I left most of those days behind me because I'm too busy looking ahead to the next moment. That comes with practice and patience. It also comes with an understanding of myself. I know I did the best I could with what I knew at the time, as much as I know I wanted to learn all I could to discover what, if any, power I had. The more I learned, the more power I had over my own life and that, that is because I don't want to go back to the way I was instead of move to to what I can become.

Remember, it is your life...get in and drive it!
#BreakTheSilence and #TakeBackYourLife from #PTSD

The Way We Were

Barbra Streisand

Memories

Light the corners of my mind

Misty watercolor memories

Of the way we were

Scattered pictures

Of the smiles we left behind

Smiles we gave to one another

For the way we were

Can it be that it was all so simple then?

Or has time re-written every line?

If we had the chance to do it all again

Tell me, would we?

Could we?

Memories

May be beautiful and yet

What's too painful to remember

We simply to choose to forget

So it's the laughter

We will remember

Whenever we remember

The way we were

The way we were

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Bergman Alan / Bergman Marilyn / Hamlisch Marvin

The Way We Were lyrics © Arlovol Music, Colgems-emi Music Inc. 

What I feel has come and gone before

PTSD Patrol
Kathie Costos
April 26, 2021

It is a wonderful feeling when the person who loves you, understands you. There is no need to explain something to them, because you've already done that and they remember what you said. Knowing you don't have to hide your emotions from them and they will still love you.

Funny, but it seems I always wind up here with you

Nice to know somebody loves me

Funny, but it seems that it's the only thing to do

Run and find the one who loves me (the one who loves me)

What I feel has come and gone before

No need to talk it out (talk it out)

We know what it's all about

This is why the featured video today is The Carpenters Rainy Days And Mondays.

Is there a certain time of the year when you are not yourself? Are there certain weeks when you are having a harder time than usual? Are there times when nightmares and flashbacks are worse without any of your known triggers? Think about when it hit you before. Then think about what happened to you before during that time of your life. Most of the time, it is an anniversary date your mind remembers.

There are many times during the year when I am not my usual self. I don't want to talk. I am usually not hungry during those days and I want to stay in bed. I am not consciously aware of the connection between a date from my past and haunting feeling of dread. The thing that caused all of it is hard wired in my brain and it remembers the day "it" happened, even if I chose to forget it. No one can explain something you don't understand until you understand the thing itself.

Most people have a hard time finding the words to explain things to worried people who love us. Maybe you can explain it to them once, so they understand, and then have a code word for when it comes back. Tell them it is a Monday, since most people get that Monday's suck. Tell them it is a "blue day" for you since most people also understand that too. After all, they have days when they feel blue too.

You need your space. They need to know that it has nothing to do with them or anything they did. As much as you may like to avoid having conversations about what is going on with you, there are people in your life who need to know for their own sake.

Most relationships fell apart because there was too much that was not said. It left people wondering and then searching for reasons followed by blaming what made sense to them. Communication prevents all that from happening.

When in doubt, no matter what happens in your life, always wonder how you would feel if someone was acting a certain way, and what you would want them to do to ease your mind. It works and then you'll be able to experience not making them wonder what's wrong because you already know your relationship is strong...and they already know.

Remember, it is your life...get in and drive it!

#BreakTheSilence and #TakeBackYourLife from #PTSD

Rainy Days And Mondays

The Carpenters

Talkin' to myself and feelin' old

Sometimes I'd like to quit

Nothin' ever seems to fit

Hangin' around

Nothin' to do but frown

Rainy days and Mondays always get me down

What I've got they used to call the blues

Nothin' is really wrong

Feelin' like I don't belong

Walkin' around

Some kind of lonely clown

Rainy days and Mondays always get me down

Funny, but it seems I always wind up here with you

Nice to know somebody loves me

Funny, but it seems that it's the only thing to do

Run and find the one who loves me (the one who loves me)

What I feel has come and gone before

No need to talk it out (talk it out)

We know what it's all about

Hangin' around (hangin' around)

Nothin' to do but frown

Rainy days and Mondays always get me down

Funny, but it seems that it's the only thing to do (only thing to do)

Run and find the one who loves me (ooh)

What I feel has come and gone before

No need to talk it out (to talk it out)

We know what it's all about

Hangin' around (hangin' around)

Nothin' to do but frown 

Rainy days and Mondays always get me down

Hangin' around (hangin' around)

Nothin' to do but frown

Rainy days and Mondays always get

Me down

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Paul H. Williams / Roger S. Nichols

Rainy Days and Mondays lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group 

Carpenters - Rainy Days And Mondays (Official Video) 

Sunday will never be the same

PTSD Patrol
Kathie Costos
March 15, 2021

Has your memory played tricks on you? Did you ever remember something that wasn't true, or at least not entirely true?

This morning an example of that happened to me. Usually I pick out the music for the featured video during the day depending on what the message is, if I already thought of it. Sometimes I'll hear a song on the radio and it changes my mood, or takes me back to a different time in my life. Other times, like this morning, a song will pop into my head. An old song I hadn't heard in a long time popped in and I was happy thinking about it. The beat was uplifting and I thought great day to feature it. That was until I looked up the lyrics to Spanky and Our Gang Sunday Will Never Be The Same. It wasn't a happy song.

Sunday Will Never Be the Same

Spanky and Our Gang

I remember Sunday morning

I would meet him at the park

We'd walk together hand in hand

Till it was almost dark

Now I wake up Sunday morning

Walk along the lane to find

Nobody waiting for me

Sunday's just another day

Sunday will never be the same

(Sunday will never be the same)

I lost my baby's heart

I must be back again

Sunny afternoons that made me feel so warm inside

Have turned as cold and gray as ashes

As I feel the embers die

No longer can I walk these paths for they have changed

I must be home the sun is gone and I think it's gonna rain

I remember children

Feeding flocks of pigeons

I remember sunshine and you were mine

Sunday will never be the same

Sunday will never be the same

Sunday will never be the same

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Terry Cashman / Gene Pistilli

Sunday Will Never Be the Same lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group 

That came out in 1967. I was really young. I've heard it a lot over the years, but it has been a long time. My mind focused on the music, which is really upbeat, but since the lyrics were forgotten, I didn't remember the sadness. So why is it so hard to remember things the other way around?

Sometimes when you remember the event or events that caused PTSD, all you can remember is the horrible parts. There were other parts that were a lot better, but the strongest memory is the one that took hold. You had some good things happen too. You could have had someone save you. Someone may have come to help you afterwards. More than likely, people you know showed up to see if they could help, to visit you, call you, or offer comfort in whatever way they could. The memories are all still there and you can make the better memories stronger than the bad ones.

Our minds also play tricks because every part of us is involved in the event. Our mind, body and spirit are all hit. Every sense we have absorbs whatever is there just as our eyes take it all in, even though we don't notice what is being recorded in our brains. That is why a smell can be a trigger of the event, or a sound (like with me) and even an anniversary date we do not consciously remember pops up and we are not connecting "then" to our life now.

You need to find some peace with the bad by going back to look at the good that came with it. Keep focusing on that. Those memories will get stronger than the bad ones.

Remember, it is your life...get in and drive it!

#BreakTheSilence and #TakeBackYourLife from #PTSD