Firefighter took back his life from PTSD, what are you waiting for?

‘I got my life back’: Four years into his recovery from PTSD, Frazee firefighter Scott Geiselhart spreads message of hope

DL Online
By Marie Johnson
Mar 6, 2019

“It took a suicide attempt to find out I had PTSD,” he says. “It was very unfortunate… I lost control of myself, so my suicide attempt was an attempt to regain control. But that was the worst decision I ever made in my life. I was confused. I was looking at things different than I do now… When I was in that place, I thought I was doing everybody a favor. That’s the darkness. That’s scary. When you lose control, you feel like you’re all alone.”

Scott Geiselhart, a longtime volunteer firefighter with the Frazee Fire Department, has been symptom-free from his PTSD and depression for about four years. He is pictured here with his service dog, Sarge. (Marie Johnson / Tribune)

Editor’s note: This is the second in an 8-part series of weekly feature stories written in conjunction with the “Inside Out” community campaign to normalize mental illness. The second “Inside Out” video, related to this story, is available to watch online at www.beckercountyenergize.com.

Imagine arriving at the scene of a bad accident. You see two crushed cars laying on their sides in the road. It’s your job to extract the crash victims from the insides of those cars. They’re hurt, and scared. One is just a child — about the same age as one of your own.

You do your job, you do everything right, but still, one of the victims doesn’t make it.

You step in and out of awful scenarios like this, over and over again, year after year after year. You can’t talk about any of it with your loved ones; it’s not allowed. You don’t want to talk about it with your colleagues; it’s not “macho.” So you swallow your emotions and carry on with life as best you can.

That’s what Scott Geiselhart did, for almost 20 years. As a longtime volunteer firefighter with the Frazee Fire Department, he witnessed trauma after trauma, and kept his feelings about it all bottled up. One day, that bottle got too full, and things started to spill over.

He started having horrible nightmares and jarring flashbacks of the accident scenes. To suppress the dark thoughts, he turned to alcohol, and to stay awake after sleepless nights, he started using meth. He isolated himself from his loved ones, trying to hide his addictions.

He felt scared, confused, and ashamed of his behavior. People around town always knew him as a good guy with a big heart, but at home his temper would flare, and he became verbally abusive toward his family. That led to more feelings of shame and guilt, and more drug use. He was spiralling out of control.

All the common signs of PTSD and depression were there, but he didn’t see any of that.

After more than 15 years of his symptoms getting progressively worse and worse, the bottle Geiselhart had been so desperately trying to contain everything in, finally broke open. Alone in his office one night, he picked up his gun, pressed it to his head, and pulled the trigger.
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PTSD Patrol Turbo charge your healing

PTSD Patrol
Kathie Costos
March 2, 2019

It seems as if everyone is talking about younger veterans with PTSD...forgetting that the majority of veterans seeking help for PTSD are over the age of 50. Unfortunately, that age group are also the majority of the known suicides. What did you expect me to say when they are also the majority of veterans in our country?

OK, so, if you are driving an antique, you know it takes a lot more to keep it running than if you had a new car with all the techno crap you really don't need. 

When you figure out that there is something seriously wrong with your vehicle, you can keep it in the garage, but that does not solve the problem. You ask some buddies what they think could be wrong, but you won't get the right answer unless you are able to mimic the noise that is in the engine.

Often, you will search online, then discover what you think it may be. You may make an appointment with the mechanic (docs at the VA) and get a diagnosis.

A good mechanic will take care of the engine (your mind) and suggest that you take it to the body shop too. (the gym or anything else physically to take care of your body...including yoga)

A really great mechanic will suggest you turbo change the healing with taking care of the spiritual part of you. 

Turbine

Did You Know? The oldest and simplest form of turbine is the waterwheel, which is made to rotate by water falling across its blades and into buckets suspended from them. Hero of Alexandria invented the first steam-driven turbine in the 1st century A.D., but a commercially practical steam turbine wasn't developed until 1884; steam turbines are now the main elements of electric power stations. Jet engines are gas turbines. A turbojet engine uses a turbine to compress the incoming air that feeds the engine before being ejected to push the plane forward; a turboprop engine uses its exhaust to drive a turbine that spins a propeller. A wind turbine generates electricity by being turned by the wind; the largest now have vanes with a turning diameter of over 400 feet.

And then there came this

Definition of turbo-propeller engine : a jet engine having a turbine-driven propeller and designed to produce thrust principally by means of a propeller although additional thrust is usually obtained from the hot exhaust gases which issue in a jet.

I am in the over age 50 antique stage, so I know how different life is right now instead of what I thought it would be. All of us need to remember that these "golden" years can suck especially when we are supposed to be enjoying this time of our lives, but end up dealing with health problems most of the time.

Just a reminder here is that we go because we know that things in our lives get a lot better when we are able to enjoy them! Its your life and your choice. You can sit there suffering with your vehicle in the garage, letting fluids dry up and tires get flat, or you can spruce it up and zoom past everyone else.

PTSD Patrol: Are You A Passenger or Navigator?

PTSD Patrol: Participating in the journey

PTSD Patrol
Kathie Costos
February 24, 2019

I have been unplugged for a few days to spend time with some very dear old friends of ours. Over the weekend we talked about old times and how our lives have changed since we were young.

My friend Ellen and I shared how much we have taken active places in the lives of our husbands and unwilling to settle for just being along for the ride. 

This morning I was wondering why so many younger family members are not taking an active part in the journey too. Then it occurred to me that maybe no one ever explained to them how much power they do have over everything.

Passenger Passive is just along for the ride and not paying attention to where they are going, or noticing how they got to where they were.

Passsenger: a person who is traveling in a vehicle but is not operating it or working as an employee in it.

Captain Cruel takes advantage of the vulnerability of the person they are with instead of helping them.

Navigator Knowing charts the way to get everyone to their destination as quickly and safely as possible.

Navigator :a person in a vehicle who decides on the direction in which the vehicle travels.

Point Man Partner acknowledges the needs of someone they care about and finds a way to make their journey a much happier trip.

So which one are you? If you are a family member, you are part of the journey and you can change the trip for everyone. 

Yes, without knowing it, you play a major role in all of this. You can make it worse for everyone or you can make it so much better.

While peer support is one of the best ways for recovering from PTSD, what Point Man International Ministries discovered is, family support works better than anything.

Point Man established Home Front groups because our role can, and should, change their lives for the better. The more we know, the more involved we are, the more healing can happen.

Are you tired of just being along for the ride?

This is from Paul Sluznis

Many of us had no idea where to go or who to talk to when we came home from our different conflicts. We had no clue we had PTSD or anxiety. Who thought they would still be clearing their own home 15 years after getting out of the military. I had no idea how to deal with any of these issues till my Bride found out about Point Man Ministries and I haven't looked back since.

I started out going to outpost meetings and after awhile found that everyone in the room, although some from different services, and conflicts had the same issues as I. In that room we shared our thoughts as well as our messed up feelings knowing that what was said in the room would never leave the room....

Many of us have lost long time friends while in the service and I have met many Veterans who never left our country and felt they didn't belong in the same room as a combat Veteran. We all served this great nation whether shot at or not you served and you have just as much of a right to be there as I do. No matter what your service, male or female, I urge you to seek us out and join us! Thank you for serving our great Nation and welcome home! Paul Sluznis (President of PMIM)

In 1982 our journey began for my husband and I. Along the way, there were a lot of bad times but once I knew what PTSD was doing to him, I understood it was happening to us!

When someone you care about is hurting, it can break your heart. When someone you love is hurting to the point they are pushing you away, thoughts smash into each other as you try to figure out what you did wrong to cause it. Not a great way to live. You'll never find the answer because it is not really about you. It is about whatever they survived and the shock that came afterwards.

Not understanding any of it causes them to fear tomorrow instead of hope for healing.

It is our job to get them to where they need to be and that begins with how much of an active part we are willing to play.

These videos are with Paul talking about what it was like for him before Point Man and after his wife found us. This is how you can become a "Point Man Partner" and make a difference.

And if you are a family member, this is how you become Navigator know which way to go!

PTSD Patrol: What is in your dash?

It is the middle that matters

PTSD Patrol
Kathie Costos
February 17, 2019

When you look at your dash, there are a lot of things it can tell you. In the center, you see how far you've traveled and how fast you are going at this very moment.

THE DASH by Linda Ellis is one of those poems that is usually delivered when it is too late for the person being remembered to benefit from. It is not so much for the person being buried, but for those gathered to be able to think about their own lives.

This is part of that poem.

"He noted that first came the date of birth and spoke of the following date with tears, but he said what mattered most of all was the dash between those years."

While we have no control over when we arrive into this world, we do have control over what we do between the dates used to acknowledge we were here at all.

"For that dash represents all the time they spent alive on earth and now only those who loved them know what that little line is worth."

Question; What is your line worth? Can you see it all or is it mostly a blur with symbols you cannot really understand?

This veteran served in Vietnam. We know he was born in 1940 and died in 2008. 

What else happened in between the space of those dates is known only to those who knew him. There were a lot of veterans mixed in with civilians, and for the most part, that is the way they spend their lives as well. Mixed in with people who saw them all the time and never had a clue what they did serving this country.

So what is in your dash? What is missing from it? What can you add to it? The other thing is, if you are thinking about giving up, do you want to be remembered for the way you died? Or do you want to be remembered for what you did in your life?

PTSD Patrol: Asking for help is better than suffering in silence

You are not driving an empty bus

PTSD Patrol
Kathie Costos
February 10, 2019

Last week on PTSD Patrol Change the Road You Are On I used a video of the road, filmed at 5:00 am, showing how lonely the road can be when there are only a few people on it.

That is the way it can seem when you have PTSD.  You can feel as if you are alone, but the truth is, everyone you know is tied to you in one way or another.

I used the road film because my ego took over. I have been in a lot of pain again because of my back. I didn't want anyone to see me in pain, so, I used that video. Ashamed of myself ever since. Not because of being in pain, but because I wanted to hide it from everyone.

Yes, imagine that! The one who is constantly preaching on letting people know you are hurting, did a lot of work to hide it. No one ever said I was the brightest bulb in the box.

So, yesterday, the pain is actually worse than last week. I apologized for my stupid decision, and then went on to talk about how if you do not #BreakTheSilence, no one can help you because you will not give them the chance.

If you think that deciding to leave the pain by committing suicide, you need to be aware of a so many things, it would take a year to post! 

The first thing is, picture yourself as a bus driver. They do not have empty busses for very long. More and more people travel where the driver takes them. That is the way your life is. 

More and more people are connected to you. Family, friends, people you work with, are all obvious connections, but there are many more. Add to the list of passengers your family members' friends. Your friends' families. Your coworkers' families and friends. See where I'm going with this?

Now, you may think that leaving is best for everyone, but it will hit everyone hard and that pain never leaves them.

It was 19 years ago my husband's nephew, also a Vietnam veteran, decided to leave. When he committed suicide, it was like a dagger in my heart. Again, I felt as if it was my fault because I could not get him to listen to me. Yes, even I could not find the words he needed to hear to give him what he needed to want to fight to heal.

So, I do know what I am talking about with leaving behind a lot of pain. On the flip side, I also know what I am talking about when you are made aware of the fact you can heal and life can get better.

What if he just suffered in silence instead of asking for help? I learned what I know because he told me what was going on...and what he thought I could not understand. I had been through so many times when my life was on the line, it was something I knew all too well. I also knew why I healed.

Aside from all the veterans and families I have worked with over the decades, it is personal to me because of my own husband. We were talking last night about how I was only 23 and he was 30 when we started this ride together. 

There were times it seemed impossible but day by day we made it past all pain and into the winning struggle for an oh-so-much better life together.

You can do it too! Just remember that if you feel like a burden to your family now, leaving them instead of fighting to #TakeBackYourLife will leave them with questions that cannot be answered.