PTSD: the wounds that were carried back home to you

PTSD Patrol
Kathie Costos
March 21, 2021

Today I am going to let one of the first videos I did on PTSD replace the daily video from me. Wounded Minds was a labor of love back in 2006. It had over 10,000 views but after a couple of years, I moved the videos from YouTube. (Big mistake) Anyway, my confidence was taking beating lately because of  all the reports about people suffering instead of healing. Whenever I get this way, I usually go through old emails to remind me of why I do this work.

One of the old emails I came across was from the ex-wife of a Vietnam veteran. She never stopped loving him but they didn't know what PTSD was before they ended a long marriage. Her kids were suffering, she was suffering and so was the veteran. She said she wished she knew what was in this video before they decided to get divorced. 

I told her it was not too late to still have a relationship with him, or at least try to reconnect. She promised to learn more and then, try to talk to him so he would get help to heal. This is why I do this work. And this is why I will never stop doing it.

Today the featured videos are about relationships ending, but love still existing. The Carpenters, Hurting Each Other and Rose Royce Wishing On A Star.

If you still care about someone you had to walk away from, because you did not know what you needed to know, I hope this comforts you. Keep in mind that you did the best you could with what you knew at the time, and now you know more than you did back then. It is up to you what you do with that knowledge. If nothing else, I hope it helps you heal your heart by knowing it really didn't have anything to do with you, but the wounds that were carried back home to you.

In 2006 I created this video on Wounded Minds. Long before PTSD was in the news, families like mine were doing the best we could to make our veterans lives better. Sometimes we failed but after three decades, I'm still married. I still have no idea how other families do it when they know hardly nothing about PTSD. I knew almost everything and there were times when it was almost impossible to find hope. The key is to learn as much as you can, love as an active partner in their healing and find what works to make your lives better! This is from my old website, NamGuardianAngel. Go to Combat PTSD Wounded Times to learn more.

Hurting Each Other

The Carpenters 

No one in the world

Ever had a love as sweet as my love

For nowhere in the world

Could there be a boy as true as you, love

All my love I give gladly to you

All your love you give gladly to me

Tell me why then, oh why should it be that

We go on hurting each other

We go on hurting each other

Making each other cry

Hurting each other

Without ever knowing why

Closer than the leaves

On a weeping willow, baby, we are

Closer dear are we

Than the simple letters A and B are

All my life I could love only you

All your life you could love only me

Tell me why, then?

Oh why should it be that

We go on hurting each other

We go on hurting each other

Making each other cry

Hurting each other

Without ever knowing why

Can't we stop hurting each other

Gotta stop hurting each other

Making each other cry

Breaking each other's heart

Tearing each other apart

Can't we stop hurting each other

Gotta stop hurting each other

Making each other cry

Breaking each other's heart

Tearing each other apart

Can't we stop hurting each other

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Udell Peter David / Geld Gary

Hurting Each Other lyrics © Bibo Music Publishing, Inc. 

I'm Wishing on a Star

Rose Royce 

I'm wishing on a star

To follow where you are

I'm wishing on a dream

To follow what it means

I'm wishing on a star

To follow where you are

I'm wishing on a dream

To follow what it means

And I'm wishing on the rainbows that I've seen

I'm wishing on the people who really dream

And I'm wishing on tomorrow, praying it'll come

And I'm wishing on all the loving we've ever done

No, I never thought I'd see

A time when you would be

So far away from home

So far away from me

Just think of all the moments that we'd spend

I just can't let you go, for me you were meant

And I didn't mean to hurt you, but I know

That in the game of love you reap what you sow

I feel it's time we should make up, baby

I feel it's time for us to get back together

And make the best of things, oh baby

When we're together, whether or never

I feel it's time we should make up, baby

I feel it's time for us to get back together

And make the best of things, oh baby

When we're together, whether or never, oh

I'm wishing on a star

To follow where you are

I'm wishing on a dream

To follow what it means

And I'm wishing on the rainbows that I've seen

I'm wishing on the people who've ever been

And I'm hoping on all the days to come and days to go

I'm hoping on days of loving you so

I'm wishing on a star

To follow where you are

I'm wishing on a star, oh, oh

And I'm wishing on all the rainbows that I see

I'm wishing on a star

To follow where you are

I'm wishing on a dream, baby

And I'm following all the rainbows that I see

Source: Musixmatch

Wishing on a Star lyrics © Warner-tamerlane Publishing Corp., May Twelfth Music 

let the dreamers wake the nation

PTSD Patrol

Kathie Costos

March 13, 2021

Today I picked a fun video, Carley Simon Let The River Run. If you saw the movie Working Girl, then you know it is a story about an average woman with big dreams. Tess McGill (Melanie Griffith) was really smart but didn't have many chances to prove it and change her life...until her boss broke her leg. Even her friends thought she was nuts to try it, but she did and in the end she won.

The song is about dreamers. People dreaming about making something better too. Making their lives different than they are because they believe they can be. What do you believe? Do you believe your life can be different than it is? Do you have chances to prove you are right?

When you have a dream that's great. It sucks if you do not think you have a chance in hell of making it happen. If you have PTSD, it sucks wanting to be happier but believing there is no way it can happen because that was what you heard. If you know it can happen, then you find a way to make that dream come true.

You get a roadmap to get you from where you are to where you want to be. You believe in yourself because you know in your heart it is possible and one mile at a time, you learn how to get there. When you do, you discover that you can win first place in a better life for yourself too.

If you know how to heal because you did it, then wake the rest of the people up in the nation so they can dream about doing it too! 

Remember, it is you life...get in and drive it! 

#BreakTheSilence and #TakeBackYourLife from #PTSD

    

Let the River Run

Carly Simon

Let the river run

Let all the dreamers wake the nation

Come, the New Jerusalem

Silver cities rise

The morning lights the streets that lead them

And sirens call them on with a song

It's asking for the taking

Trembling, shaking

Oh, my heart is aching

We're coming to the edge

Running on the water

Coming through the fog

Your sons and daughters

We the great and small

Stand on a star

And blaze a trail of desire

Through the darkening dawn

It's asking for the taking

Come run with me now

The sky is the colour of blue

You've never even seen

In the eyes of your lover

Oh, my heart is aching

We're coming to the edge

Running on the water

Coming through the fog

Your sons and daughters

It's asking for the taking

Trembling, shaking

Oh, my heart is aching

We're coming to the edge

Running on the water

Coming through the fog

Your sons and daughters

Let the river run (Let the river run)

Let all the dreamers (let all the dreamers)

Wake the nation (wake the nation)

Come, the New Jerusalem

Source: Musixmatch

Let the River Run lyrics © Universal Music Corp., C'est Music, Tcf Music Publishing Inc 

Violence Against Women Act...for women like me!

PTSD Patrol
Kathie Costos
March 19, 2021 

"And I've been down there on the floor" when my ex-husband decided I needed to die. It wasn't bad enough he came home from work, started another argument like always, but this time, he decided to hit me. I hit back. Ten minutes later, after grabbing whatever I could to hit him with, being chased from room to room and screaming for help, he got me on the floor, got on top of me with his hands on my neck and tried to strangle me. It was the first time he hit me...and the last.

He stalked me for about a year, as far as I was aware. He drove muscle cars, so as soon as I heard the sound of an engine like that, it all came back. Nightmares, flashbacks, mood swings, paranoia and panic. About 2 years after it happened, I met my current husband. We dated about a year and a half when we decided to get married. I had to get in touch with my ex-husband for the annulment because I wanted to get married in the church again. The next day, he walked over to my husband to be and introduced himself. 

That was even worse for me because then I knew for sure, when I thought I was free of him and safe from him, I really wasn't. There is no way he would have know who I was marrying if he hadn't been following us all that time.

Years later, we moved from Massachusetts to Florida. Even down there, the sound would cause instant panic and all that came with it. It wasn't until my cousin sent me his obituary notice from the newspaper letting me know I was finally free of him, that I knew he would never hurt me again.

It wasn't until last year when my daughter and I were talking about this and she said, "You never told me you had PTSD." I said, "I didn't." Then she let me know that was exactly what I said I had. All those years I was in a sort of denial, even though I had become and expert on PTSD and dedicated almost 40 years to helping others heal. The thing was, all the research I did, never once had what I was dealing with. I saw two therapists and they didn't see it in me. Maybe researchers need to start looking at that too.

Anyway, I am telling you all this because the Violence Against Women Act has passed the House. It is up to the Senate to pass it now. If you don't think it is important because you do not know anyone it happened to, you do now. If you are reading this, then it means you know what I do and why I do it, but now you cannot ignore the price paid by women like me when the laws were much different. There was nothing there for me and very few resources. 

This Act will provide justice but there are some in the Senate saying they will not support it. I am asking you to contact your Senator and ask them if they will support this and if not, ask them why they are defending the abusers, because that is exactly what they are doing.

Now you know too much to go back and pretend, so please don't let us go down that road again. Let the Senate hear you roar in numbers too big to ignore~

House Renews Violence Against Women Act, But Senate Hurdles Remain
NPR
Susan Davis
March 17, 2021
The House approved with bipartisan support a reauthorization of the Violence Against Women Act, a popular 1994 law that protects and provides resources for victims of domestic abuse and sexual violence. The measure passed 244-172.

As a senator, President Biden played a lead role in passing the landmark law, which he recently called "one of my proudest legislative achievements."

The law was last reauthorized in 2013, but it lapsed at the end of 2018 after Congress failed to act due to partisan disputes over guns and transgender issues. The lapse has had little practical effect because Congress continues to fund related programs despite the lack of authorization.

The core legislation has broad support, but certain provisions added to the bill in the previous Congress exposed divisions among Republicans. In 2019, the House passed the measure with 33 Republicans voting with Democrats, but it was never brought up in the then-GOP-led Senate.
read more here

Rep. Debbie Dingell also knows what it is like. (Detriot News)

Dingell has openly discussed growing up in a household where she lived with domestic violence, noting statistics that 1 in 15 children also witness domestic violence.

"We don't forget about hiding in closets. Or our father taking locks off of doors. Or my grabbing a gun from my father, so he wouldn't kill my mother, and being convinced that we would die," Dingell said of her early life with her siblings.

I am woman, hear me roar

In numbers too big to ignore

And I know too much to go back an' pretend

'Cause I've heard it all before

And I've been down there on the floor

No one's ever gonna keep me down again

I Am Woman

Helen Reddy

I am woman, hear me roar

In numbers too big to ignore

And I know too much to go back an' pretend

'Cause I've heard it all before

And I've been down there on the floor

No one's ever gonna keep me down again

Oh yes I am wise

But it's wisdom born of pain

Yes, I've paid the price

But look how much I gained

If I have to, I can do anything

I am strong (strong)

I am invincible (invincible)

I am woman

You can bend but never break me

'Cause it only serves to make me

More determined to achieve my final goal

And I come back even stronger

Not a novice any longer

'Cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul

Oh yes I am wise

But it's wisdom born of pain

Yes, I've paid the price

But look how much I gained

If I have to, I can do anything

I am strong (strong)

I am invincible (invincible)

I am woman

I am woman watch me grow

See me standing toe to toe

As I spread my lovin' arms across the land

But I'm still an embryo

With a long long way to go

Until I make my brother understand

Oh yes I am wise

But it's wisdom born of pain

Yes, I've paid the price

But look how much I gained

If I have to I can face anything

I am strong (strong)

I am invincible (invincible)

I am woman

Oh, I am woman

I am invincible

I am strong

I am woman

I am invincible

I am strong

I am woman

Source: Musixmatch

I Am Woman lyrics © Buggerlugs Music Co., Irving Music, Inc. 

I was on Choose Rochester New Hampshire Podcast and talking about this along with the work I do.

Who did you run away from?

PTSD Patrol
Kathie Costos
March 18, 2021

Who did you run away from? If you have PTSD, leaving the people in your life is common. It is also common that you never gave them a chance to know what you were going through, and all too likely, left them without ever telling them the real reason that made you leave. If you did, then your biggest problem is not having PTSD. Your biggest problem is having it but not knowing what it is. If you did, then you'd know there is nothing to be ashamed of. You're a survivor of something that could have killed you and that is the only reason you got hit by PTSD.

If you didn't give the people you shared your life with a chance, then you pre-judged them. You didn't give them a chance to support you, comfort you, help you, or yes, decide they didn't want to stay with you. You just assumed it would end badly.

Today the featured videos are Carole King, So Far Away and The 5th Dimension One Less Bell To Answer. More than likely the people you walked away from have no idea why you did. You'll never know until you try to communicate with them and explain it to them. First learn what you need to know and then give them a chance. If you think the next relationship will be any different, it won't be because they will not really know you and you will prove you really don't trust them.

Remember, it is your life...get in and drive it!

#BreakTheSilence and #TakeBackYourLife from #PTSD

So Far Away

Carole King

So far away

Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore?

It would be so fine to see your face at my door

Doesn't help to know

You're just time away

Long ago, I reached for you and there you stood

Holding you again could only do me good

How I wish I could

But you're so far away

One more song about movin' along the highway

Can't say much of anything that's new

If I could only work this life out my way

I'd rather spend it bein' close to you

But, you're so far away

Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore?

It would be so fine to see your face at my door

Doesn't help to know

You're so far away

Yeah, you're so far away

Traveling around sure gets me down and lonely

Nothing else to do but close my mind

I sure hope the road don't come to own me

There's so many dreams I've yet to find

But you're so far away

Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore?

It would be so fine to see your face at my door

And it doesn't help to know

You're so far away

Yeah, you're so far away

Hey, you're so far away

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: King Carole

So Far Away lyrics © Straitjacket Songs Ltd. 

One Less Bell To Answer

5th Dimension 

One less bell to answer...

One less egg to fry

One less man to pick up after

I should be happy

But all I do is cry

(Cry cry no more laughter)

Oh, I should be happy

(Oh, why did he go?)

I only know that since he left

My life's so empty

Though I try to forget

It just can't be done

Each time the doorbell rings

I still run (I still run)

I don't know how in the world

To stop thinking of him

'Cause I still love him so

(Love him so)

I end each day the way I start out

Crying my heart out

Oh...

One less man to pick up after...

No more laughter...

No more love... (no more love)

Since he went

Oh, he went away

(He went away)

(One less bell to answer)

Why did he leave me?

(Oh why why did he leave?)

Now I've got one less egg to fry (one less bell to answer)

One less egg to fry

(Oh why why did he leave?) And all I do is cry

(One less bell to answer) Because my man told me goodbye

(Oh why why did he leave?)

(One less bell to answer) Somebody tell me please where did he go? why did he go?

(Oh, why?) Tell me how could he leave me

(Why did he leave?)

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: David Hal / Bacharach Burt F

One Less Bell To Answer lyrics © New Hidden Valley Music Co., New Hidden Valley Music Company, Casa David Music, Songs Of Fujimusic, New Hidden Valley Music Co, Bmg Rights Management (uk) Ltd (hal David) 

PTSD Make Everyday A Better Bonus Day

PTSD Patrol
Kathie Costos
March 17, 2021

When you survive something, there is an expression, "Everyday is a bonus."

BONUS: something in addition to what is expected or strictly due

If you have PTSD, and are suffering, it can be hard to think of your following days that way. But you can make a #BetterBonusDay everyday from this point on.

You do change after you survive. I did every time an "it" happened. I changed after the first two it happened in one night, along with all the other times. You go through the grieving process. Something died inside you and something else replaced it. The person you were before, is not 100% of the person you become the day afterwards and all the days to follow that day.

"But now friends are acting strange, and they shake their heads, they say I've changed." Maybe you thought that way a time or two...or more, after you survived whatever caused PTSD to hit you. In my case, friends would be worried if I wasn't acting strange, because they'd know I changed, without a doubt.

I've seen PTSD from both sides now and I know that the better side of it is a lot happier than the side of darkness. This is why today the featured song in Joni Mitchell, Both Sides Now.

So what do you want to do with your bonus day? I wanted to change the world. I wanted to make a difference being alive. Maybe because I was so young when I was introduced to having my life on the line, I had a head start on healing. (Excuse the pun because it was head trauma at the age of 5.) All the other times, were added onto the scars that were already there. 

What do you want to do? Do you want to be better in your own life? Then it is time to heal the scars in your life so you can come closer to whatever you want your bonus days to be.

Get help to heal, in whatever way you need it to be. Therapy, support groups, educating yourself, talking to friends, or whatever will help you that isn't drugs or alcohol. 

That takes care of your mind healing, but you also have to heal your body. Every part of your was involved in whatever "it" was. Go for a walk, do Yoga, meditation, play music, write, create art, anything that will help your body to find calmness enough so it gets used to not being fed by adrenaline rushes.

Now for your spirit. If you are struggling wondering why you survived, listen to your soul and find out what you were put here on this earth to do with your life. Want to be a better person, then start there. As you get stronger, help others understand how much power they have to heal too. 

People will notice the change in you from that side of your life's better bonus day!

Remember, it is your life...get in and drive it!

#BreakTheSilence and #TakeBackYourLife from #PTSD

Both Sides Now

Joni Mitchell

Rows and flows of angel hair

And ice cream castles in the air

And feather canyons every where

Looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun

They rain and snow on everyone

So many things I would have done

But clouds got in my way

I've looked at clouds from both sides now

From up and down and still somehow

It's cloud's illusions I recall

I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and ferries wheels

The dizzy dancing way that you feel

As every fairy tale comes real

I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show

And you leave 'em laughing when you go

And if you care, don't let them know

Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now

From give and take and still somehow

It's love's illusions that I recall

I really don't know love 

Really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud

To say, "I love you" right out loud

Dreams and schemes and circus crowds

I've looked at life that way

Oh, but now old friends they're acting strange

And they shake their heads, they say I've changed

Well something's lost, but something's gained

In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now

From win and lose and still somehow

It's life's illusions I recall

I really don't know life at all

It's life's illusions that I recall

I really don't know life

I really don't know life at all

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Joni Mitchell

Both Sides, Now lyrics © Crazy Crow Music / Siquomb Music Publishing 

Then you can tell someone, you'll stand by them to get there too!

I'll Stand by You ( LIVE )

Chrissie Hynde 

Oh, why you look so sad?

Tears are in your eyes

Come on and come to me now

Don't be ashamed to cry

Let me see you through

'Cause I've seen the dark side too

When the night falls on you

You don't know what to do

Nothing you confess

Could make me love you less

I'll stand by you

I'll stand by you

Won't let nobody hurt you

I'll stand by you

So if you're mad, get mad

Don't hold it all inside

Come on and talk to me now

Hey, what you got to hide?

I get angry too

Well I'm a lot like you

When you're standing at the crossroads

And don't know which path to choose

Let me come along

'Cause even if you're wrong

I'll stand by you

I'll stand by you

Won't let nobody hurt you

I'll stand by you

Take me in, into your darkest hour

And I'll never desert you

I'll stand by you

And when

When the night falls on you, baby

You're feeling all alone

You won't be on your own

I'll stand by you

I'll stand by you

Won't let nobody hurt you

I'll stand by you

Take me in, into your darkest hour

And I'll never desert you

I'll stand by you

I'll stand by you

Won't let nobody hurt you

I'll stand by you

Won't let nobody hurt you

I'll stand by you

I'll stand by you

Won't let nobody hurt you

I'll stand by you

Take me in, into your darkest hour

And I'll never desert you

I'll stand by you

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Thomas Kelly / Christine Hynde / Billy Steinberg

I'll Stand by You lyrics © BMG Rights Management