PTSD Patrol Kathie Costos April 14, 2019
When you are grieving, sometimes you need to apply the brakes...so that you can #BreakTheSilence of what you are going through. Most of the time people do not know what to expect from themselves. You may judge yourself, or expect more from your core.
Instead of dismissing your own emotions, honor what you are feeling so you can being the healing.
If you are angry, then honor it. I yelled at my Dad at the cemetery a few days after his funeral. I chewed out my brother at the funeral home before everyone else got there. I was angry because I wanted them to still be here. If you are sad, then honor that. They were a part of your life and they still can be in your memories of them. There comes a time when those memories will stop being painful reminders they are gone. The memories become fond ones of times when they were here. Do not judge yourself or let anyone else judge you for not grieving enough or too much, or taking too long to "get over it" because they did it another way. Brake pads on vehicles stop us from moving forward. Breaks in our lives can do the same if we let them. Brake pads also release when needed so that we can move forward. So to breaks in our lives. They release us so that we can move on.
Why you should never publish your book on April Fools Day or with Xlibris
This is a special cross post!
Wounded Times and PTSD Patrol Kathie Costos April 13, 2019
"We're not interested in owning your work...after all, we didn't write it." Xlibris
That quote is from the Xlibris brochure that made me decide on choosing them as the (FLUSHING) publisher for the book that had to "get out there" way back in 2003.
After all this time telling veterans to #BreakTheSilence and #TakeBackYourLife that is what I am doing. Breaking the silence on what has been torturing me for all these years and taking back control over my own work! I wrote FOR THE LOVE OF JACK, HIS WAR/MY BATTLE before 9-11 but could not find a publisher. After all, it was about a veteran's family living with PTSD. To top that off, the veteran was a Vietnam veteran. You know, before they were big news again.
After 9-11, I added to the ending and had the copyright done in 2002. 2003 I decided to self publish it. On April 1, 2003 it was published.
Yes, April Fools Day! Should have known right there it was off to a bad start with this (FLUSH) company.
After 16 years...I can assure you, that while the actual ownership of the book does belong to me, they have not seemed to be able to remember that fact. I was hearing from people about reading the book, but saw few sales reported. I questioned Xlibris and they said that they were "used" books they must have been reading. Used book? How when there were only a few "new" ones sold according to them. Just to find out what was going on, I ordered 2 books from Barnes and Noble. I had them shipped to the store and yes, paid full price. The bar code did not work. Anyway, a few more emails and trust was gone. I wanted my book out of their hands. I told them to stop printing it. That didn't work. Really odd that they did not manage to explain why the book was still being sold, if there were no sales. I wrote to the Better Business Bureau and Xlibris responded with it was my ego that was involved and not their problem. Besides, they also said that I was taking up too much of their time. Odd thing is that responding to the BBB, they said that "half a dozen" more were sold. By 2004 I totally had it and my lawyer sent them a letter to stop publishing it and give me a full report. In 2005, the book was still being sold. I (FLUSH) emailedthem again!
This is their response.
RE: STOP SELLING MY BOOK/CANCELLATION CONFIRMATION Mon, Mar 14, 2005 6:33 am Channel (Channel@Xlibris.com)
Dear Ms. Costos, As long as Ingram still has physical copies of your book in stock, your book will continue to be listed as available and people can continue to purchase copies of it through the different online resellers. Another way to get hold of your book is through the used book resellers.
What happened was when customers decided to sell their used copy of a book to these resellers; they can set the book's price to any amount they want when they list it with online resellers with Amazon.com, Borders.com, Barnes and Noble.com. Xlibris does not have a relationship with these used book resellers nor do we have a say in the way they operate their business since they got these books from the customers who decided to sell their purchased books to them. Further, these used book resellers are entitled to sell used book under the first sale doctrine of copyright law.
This email is also to confirm the cancellation of your book with Xlibris. Your book entitled "For The Love of Jack", with ISBN 1-4010-8691-8, is no longer available for sale through our Xlibris website or the 800 number. Although no new copies of your book will be produced from this point forward you should be aware that due to our relationship with various printers and book distributors, physical copies of your book currently exist within the book vending channels. For reasons of quality assurance and to provide a more efficient ordering process, Ingram will keep a handful of copies of all titles listed with them in stock at all times.Ingram currently shows one (1) physical copy of your book in stock.Your title will remain available in the channels until this copy is sold. When a title is listed as cancelled, production knows not to replenish this stock once it is depleted. Unfortunately, it must be depleted before Ingram will remove the title's listing from its system.
Amazon and the other online channels base their listing information from what Ingram's system provides. As a result, as long as Ingram has copies in stock, title will remain listed with the online stores. These online resellers and distributors could not change the availability of your book to out of stock until somebody purchases these remaining books from them.
The copies that the online retailers have were purchased from us (you were paid royalties for these sales) giving the resellers the right to continue the sale of your book with no implication on the contract between you and Xlibris. Please note that as part of Barnes and Noble's sales programs, titles that are considered "out of print" are kept in the system as such to allow customers the ability to track hard-to-find books. Hard-to-find and out-of-print books present a great source of revenue for these businesses, which is why they continue listing books that are no longer available through their distributor. We would like you to know that it has been a pleasure doing business with you. We wish you success in your writing endeavors and we hope to work with you again in the future.
How could there be more "used" copies than ones I had been "paid for" in the first place?
"Hard-to-find and out-of-print books present a great source of revenue for these businesses, which is why they continue listing books that are no longer available through their distributor."
A great source of revenue that are no longer available? Is this why they refused to pull the book? FLUSHING seriously?
I emailed them again and told them I wanted this stopped! I asked them how I could finally get this done.
This is their reply.
Channel (Channel@Xlibris.com)To:you (Bcc) + 1 more DetailsDear Ma'am,Currently, there is only one (1) physical copy of the book left at Ingram's microinventory. You may purchase this remaining copy either through Amazon/Borders.com or Barnes and Noble.com. Based on Amazon's listing, it is indicated that there is only 1 left in stock for your title. List Price: $20.99
So I paid full price for that book and others!
Well this kept going on, and on, and on! I tried giving away free PDF of it, and that happened many times, because I figured if I was not getting paid, I could at least control that and get it into the hands of people it would help. In 2012, I opted to have it republished with a few changes on Amazon.
Long story short, 2019 and the book was still online. I am planning on writing the follow up. Last week, after trying to get my ducks in a row for more changes coming to this site (which we'll talk about later), I went onto Amazon and saw that the damn thing was still online right next to the one I put up in 2012. I hit the roof when I saw that there were "new" copies and "used" copies.
I sent an email to Xlibris, Lightening Source/Ingram (the printer) and Amazon legal department.Ingram legal department responded, just stating that "The title in question, For the Love of Jack / EAN 9781401086916, is already cancelled in our system." with no answer as to when that was done or why it was still available.
Cutting this shorter than including in all the evidence and emails back and forth, on March 28, 2019 Xlibris responded with,
"However, although no new copies were produced, we would like to make you aware that due to our relationship with various printers and book distributors, physical copies of your book may currently exist within the book vending channels until these copies have been sold out."
The email went on to state that, when a book is out of print, it can still be online but will show "out of print" or "not available" even though I had already shown them, that according to Amazon, they had at least one new one.
So, I ordered it and it shipped.
I didn't know I was a magician! How did I manage to buy a brand new book that went extinct in 2005? Wow, looks like there are a lot of (FLUSHING) magic tricks going on!
This new copy that did not exist shipped out the day after I ordered it from California.
On April 1, 2019, exactly 16 years after they published my book, I asked them to tell me when they supposedly stopped it from being printed. On April 2, 2019 they responded with this.
"Upon further checking, the book was cancelled way back March 11, 2005. Therefore, there was really a time wherein the book was available."
When questioned again as to how it was possible I managed to buy a new book...and not a new one, they replied with this.
The books I bought online in 2005 were new, and they had emailed acknowledgement of at least one of them. How were they not able to decide when they "cancelled" it? Was it 2004? 2005? And how the (FLUSH) were people making money off new ones when Xlibris denied the existence of new ones? How did I manage to buy new books, yes, paying full price, for books that went extinct? I called Morgan and Morgan yesterday and ran down what happened. They wanted to know how many I thought were sold. How the (FLUSH) would I know that since Xlibris keeps saying that only "used" copies are being sold and they have "no control" over that? The lesson here is, never publish on April Fools Day...or with Xlibris because after 16 years of putting me through hell, they cannot, or will not, explain how it is a book that had so few sales, according to them, IS STILL BEING SOLD!
I decided to tell our story so that no one would feel as lost or alone as I did.
When I got into all of this, there were not many people talking about live with PTSD. Within our community of veterans, we were talking about it and most of our friends were learning it from me. I learned from the experts on this road a lot longer before I ever knew there was one.
The book was ready in 2000 but I was still searching for a publisher when the planes hit the Towers. 16 years ago, on April Fools Day, my first book was published because I knew enough to know that suffering would spread out because of September 11, 2001. I was talking to a Psychiatrist I know and he said I needed to get my book out there, so I decided to self publish it.
I am not going into detail on this right now, but there is an announcement coming on this soon. For right now, if you want a copy of the book, DO NOT BUY IT ONLINE and there are reasons for that. If you want to read it, then email me woundedtimes@aol.com or leave a message here. Just know that whatever you are going through, the only thing that has been causing a detour between your family beginning to heal is the missing effort on your part. Stop taking a back seat to your own life and get in the drivers seat! #BreakTheSilence and tell someone you love it is time to #TakeBackYourLife Good Lord! I want to retire!
Road Ode
Carpenters I've been on this lonely road so long Does anybody know where it goes? I remember the last time the signs pointed home A month ago
Rented cars and empty motel rooms Lead you everywhere but home Crowds of people shouting how they love the show They don't know
The endless crowds of faces Just keep on wearing a smile The countless times and places Lead me back, please take me back home
I wonder if these feelings ever change How many times I'll lift this load Come tomorrow I'll be gone again Roads of sorrows coming to an end for me
The endless crowds of faces Just keep on wearing a smile The countless times and places Lead me back, please take me back home
I wonder if these feelings ever change How many times I'll lift this load Come tomorrow I'll be gone again Roads of sorrows coming to an end for me
PTSD Patrol Kathie Costos March 31, 2019
Tomorrow is April Fools Day, but so far, the joke may have been one you pulled on yourself. If you have been telling yourself that you are currently worth less than you used to be, then, it has been a cruel joke. Maybe you told yourself that you have fallen down on the job...or because of your job. Maybe you told yourself about a thousand times that you should just give up and end the misery. Well, you're partly right on that one but not in the way you think. You should give up on all the negative thinking so that you can end the misery and start to live a happier life. How about you unplug from the negativity of yesterday and begin to "plug into the present" possibilities available to you today?
Plug Into The Present is a site about electric cars. They need to have charge stations on the road, especially on long trips, or they run out of power. You need charge stations too. So far you have been using the wrong power source. Think about it this way. If it was your job to save lives, why would you give up on yours now?
You can take the back seat of your own life and give up...
or you can use your power to take back control of this moment on.
Think about that. Think about how up until now, you have not been thinking enough of the right things. You operated on the negative charge stations instead of the positive change stations. The lives you saved would not be here to be fighting to take control of their own lives as survivors without you. Have you ever wondered what happened to them? Would you be shocked if they had PTSD? Well, over 7 million Americans have diagnosed PTSD and a lot more are wondering what the hell is going on with their lives. Now, notice that it only takes one time for PTSD to take over. That's right. Just one event can cause a survivor to be bitten by it. How many times did you expose yourself to traumatic events because you put your own life on the line to save someone else? Now does it make sense that it has nothing to do with being weak? If not then understand that it actually has more to do with the strongest part of you. It is the same part that compelled you to take action with courageously placing yourself in harms way. Your courage and training did not mean you stopped being human.
Only Human
Billy Joel
Lyrics
You're having a hard time and lately you don't feel so good
You're getting a bad reputation in your neighborhood
It's alright
It's alright
Sometimes that's what it takes
You're only human
You're allowed to make your share of mistakes
You better believe there will be times in your life
When you'll be feeling like a stumbling fool
So take it from me you'll learn more from your accidents
Than anything that you could ever learn at school
Don't forget your second wind
Sooner or' later you'll get your second wind
It's not always easy to be living in this world of pain
You're gonna be crashing into stone walls again and again
It's alright
It's alright
Though you feel your heart break
You're only human
You're gonna have to deal with heartache
Just like a boxer in a title fight
You got to walk in that ring all alone
You're not the only one who's made mistakes
But they're the only thing that you can truly call your own
Don't forget your second wind
Wait in that corner until that breeze blows in
You've been keeping to yourself these days
'Cause you're thinking everything's gone wrong
Sometimes you just want to lay down and die
That emotion can be so strong
But hold on
Till that old second wind comes along
You probably don't want to hear advice from someone else
But I wouldn't be telling you if I hadn't been there myself
It's alright
It's alright
Sometimes that's all it takes
We're only human
We're supposed to make mistakes
But I survived all those long lonely days
When it seemed I did not have a friend
'Cause all I needed was a little faith
So I could catch my breath and face the world again
PTSD Patrol Kathie Costos March 24, 2019
What is gunk in your engine? Well, if it is the engine is in the vehicle you drive, then it is usually oil. If it is in the engine that is in the "you" vehicle you live in, then it is anything negative that is clogging your way toward healing.
If you keep letting your past dictate all the reasons to not get up in the morning, then you are clogging up the imagination you need to fuel healing.
5 Symptoms of Oil Deposits How Stuff Works BY AKWELI PARKER ...We know that a sloppy diet and too little exercise cause sticky deposits called cholesterol to block our arteries. But what's the culprit behind oil gumming up our engine -- isn't oil one of the good guys when it comes to car engine health?
Well, yes, it is. But when oil is subjected to a high enough temperature, it can solidify and become baked onto the surface of whatever is close by, like for instance, a narrow engine oil passageway or critical engine parts themselves. It can also lose its viscosity and become a tar-like goop that makes life hard for your vehicle's engine.
When enough of these deposits collect, the possibility of a vehicle engine underperforming or even dying, go up dramatically. Thick or solid oil can have the reverse effect that clean, normal oil has. Instead of cleaning, lubricating and cooling your engine, it can pollute, hinder and contribute to overheating.
This article lists five of the most common clues that your vehicle is harboring oil deposits. Notice them too late and you could be facing a steep repair bill. But catch them early enough, and you could save yourself an engine and many greenbacks, not to mention peace of mind. read more here
When you tell yourself that there is no hope...that is gunk in your engine. When you tell yourself that you survived what set off PTSD in the first place, that is getting rid of the clog so you can move forward. There is so much you need to learn about the vehicle you live in, and once you get rid of the gunk, you'll begin to see a lot more power put back into your engine and less going into an engine that does not need to over heat!
