Never thought I could feel so free

PTSD Patrol
Kathie Costos
February 21, 2021

This isn't the message I planned on delivering today, but sometimes that happens. There are times when I'll be on Facebook and a friend had posted a music video that really hits me. Sometimes I'll hear a song on the radio, usually an oldie I hadn't heard for a while, and my mood totally changes. Today it was a commercial on TV with using a theme song from The Greatest American Hero, Believe It Or Not.

Music does have the power to change our moods. It can lift us up when we're down, or just comfort us enough so we don't feel alone anymore. This is why I use music videos. Back in 2006 when I did the first video on PTSD Wounded Minds, I used several songs.

Back then, this one and many others were over 10,000 views but YouTube blocked the music. There wasn't much point leaving them up without the songs. I moved them to Great Americans. By the time I finally had one of the accounts where YouTube would allow use of music, most people had forgotten about the work I did six years before that. 

The message has always been the same because I believed if people knew what PTSD was, how much power they did have over their lives, they would start to heal. I wanted to change the conversation away from doom and gloom, the way music changed my moods.

Healing feels a lot like walking on air! People are shocked when they discover how free they feel when all they thought was that suffering was the only thing in front of them. Now you are learning that you are on the road to healing and your destination is a happier life!

Remember, it is your life...get in and drive it!

#BreakTheSilence and #TakeBackYourLife from #PTSD

Believe It or Not

Joey Scarbury

(Theme Greatest American Hero)

Look at what's happened to me

I can't believe it myself

Suddenly I'm up on top of the world

It should have been somebody else

Believe it or not, I'm walkin' on air

I never thought I could feel so free

Flyin' away on a wing and a prayer

Who could it be?

Believe it or not it's just me

Just like the light of a new day

It hit me from out of the blue

Breaking me out of the spell I was in

Making all of my wishes come true

Believe it or not, I'm walkin' on air

I never thought I could feel so free

Flyin' away on a wing and a prayer

Who could it be?

Believe it or not it's just me

This is too good to be true

Look at me falling for you

Believe it or not, I'm walkin' on air

I never thought I could feel so free

Flyin' away on a wing and a prayer

Who could it be?

Believe it or not it's just me

Believe it or not, I'm walkin' on air

I never thought I could feel so free

Flyin' away on a wing and a prayer

Who could it be?

Believe it or not it's just me

Believe it or not, I'm walkin' on air

I never thought I could feel so free

Flyin' away on a wing and a prayer

Who could it be?

Believe it or not it's just me

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Michael Postil / Stephen G Geyer

Believe It or Not lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Warner Chappell Music, Inc, Wixen Music Publishing 

Secrets stolen from deep inside

PTSD Patrol
Kathie Costos
February 20, 2021 

There are times when you think about someone and it is comforting. Others times, brought on by bad memories, it can become yet another sleepless night, especially if those memories are of the one who caused PTSD.

Having PTSD is like carrying around a suitcase of bad memories. No matter how hard you try, you cannot put it down. You can carry it for the rest of your life, until you get help to unpack it. That is what therapists are for. They will catch you because they are there waiting for you.

Lying in my bed, I hear the clock tick and think of you

Caught up in circles

Confusion is nothing new

Flashback, warm nights

Almost left behind

Suitcase of memories

Time after

But what if you don't know you have it? What if you did notice yourself falling down? After continually picking yourself up, there is a reason it kept happening. One thing to keep in mind is that no matter how long you had PTSD, but ignored it, or stuffed in into that suitcase, you can still get help to be happier, with or without a therapist, but it works better with one.

For me, it was my ex-husband. He managed to do more damage than all the other times my life was on the line combined. He tried to kill me one night. That wasn't the end of what he did. He stalked me for a long time. When I thought he stopped, he proved he didn't because 2 years after that horrible night, he walked over to my then future husband, and introduced himself. Whatever residual shock I had left, became PTSD, but I didn't see it in me. Yes, I was in denial.

I became an expert on PTSD and a lot of people wondered how I understood so much that I was able to put into words, what they were unable to do. I just figured since I had lived through so many different things, experience flashbacks, mood swings, panic attacks, paranoia, anger and unable to trust easily, I saw myself in those who were suffering so much more than I was. Yes, still in denial.

I kept saying that PTSD was not a contest when others were acting like it was when they were talking about their own experiences. One veteran challenged me by reminding me that I was never in combat, so I couldn't understand what it did to him. I told him that aside from living with my own veteran, I went on to list everything I had been through, Then I said, "You have no experience with any of those things, but you can understand what it all did to me, and I can understand what combat did to you. That should have given me a clue, but it didn't. Yes, still in denial.

Every time I heard a muscle car engine rev, it all came back. My ex always drove one. He was a great auto body tech, and constantly had different cars at his disposal. That was why it didn't matter which car the sound belonged to. It was not until after many years after we moved out of that state and I received a copy of his death notice in the obituary section of a news paper that the sound stopped freaking me out. For over 20 years, no one saw PTSD in me, including a couple of therapists.

Last year my daughter and I were talking about all that and she said, "You never told me you had PTSD." The truth is, because I had never told myself. It was a little while after that, I decided to open up this work to everyone going through PTSD, but I did not connect that change to my awakening. I just saw the need growing and believed I could help more people because of all I lived through. 

This is why if you fall, I want to catch you. I know what it is like, but I also know what it is like to have power over your own life after you survive. I am the only one who gets to define my life, not what was done to me, because I survived it, scarred and wounded, but not destroyed...and now, no longer in denial!

This is why the featured video today is Cyndi Lauper, Time After Time.

Remember, it is your life...get in an drive it!

#BreakTheSilence and #TakeBackYourLife from #PTSD

Time After Time

Cyndi Lauper 

Lying in my bed, I hear the clock tick and think of you

Caught up in circles

Confusion is nothing new

Flashback, warm nights

Almost left behind

Suitcase of memories

Time after

Sometimes you picture me

I'm walking too far ahead

You're calling to me, I can't hear

What you've said

Then you say, "go slow"

And I fall behind

The second hand unwinds

If you're lost you can look and you will find me

Time after time

If you fall, I will catch you, I'll be waiting

Time after time

If you're lost, you can look and you will find me

Time after time

If you fall, I will catch you, I will be waiting

Time after time

After my picture fades and darkness has

Turned to gray

Watching through windows

You're wondering if I'm okay

Secrets stolen from deep inside (deep inside)

And the drum beats out of time

If you're lost you can look and you will find me

Time after time

If you fall I will catch you, I'll be waiting

Time after time

If you're lost, you can look and you will find me

Time after time

If you fall, I will catch you, I will be waiting

Time after time

Time after time

I've got a suitcase of memories that I almost left behind

Time after time

Time, time, time

But you say to go slow but I fall behind

Time after time after time (after time, oh)

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Robert Hyman / Cyndi Lauper

the power you do have to make a difference

PTSD Patrol
Kathie Costos
February 19, 2021

These are Godawful days right now. A pandemic of illness and anger sweeping over the country. So many people hurting and suffering, wondering how they can get through this day. The people of Texas are going through so much right now, they are wondering how to stay alive today on top of everything else. Human nature has many sitting around, getting angry and frustrated, wanting to get justice from those in charge. The thing is, no regular citizen has the power to change the causes of any of it today. We only have the power to change what we can.

I only know a tiny bit of what they are going through in Texas. I lived in Florida and we had a lot of hurricanes when I was there. I remember when Hurricane Charlie came through Central Florida. It was terrible. No power, streets destroyed and empty stores, if we were lucky enough to find one with power on. We did what we could, searching for water, food and operating gas stations. We were lucky that we had our power back in a matter of hours, and had little damage to our house. Some of our neighbors were not so lucky.

Still I remember how relieved we were to see the National Guard trucks bringing in water, supplies, helping to clean up and get power restored to other neighborhoods. We were even more grateful because we knew, they left their own homes and families to come and take care of the rest of us.

When you are going through these horrible days, you need to take care of you and your family to make it through today. Think about the power you do have to make a difference. If you can, try to help in whatever way you do have the power to do. Even making a tiny difference can seem like a miracle.

Remember other days when you didn't think you could get through them, but you did and better days came afterwards. That is why the featured video today is One Republic Better Days.

Each really sucky day ended up becoming better days because you got through the shitty ones, especially if you are dealing with PTSD. Doing something productive, and positively, can change the way today is. Use what power you do have until you can hold people accountable, because that is also in your power, but just not very useful to you right now.

Make a difference as much as you can, where you can, so you will help someone else have a better day too.

Remember, it is your life...get in and drive it!

#BreakTheSilence and #TakeBackYourLife from #PTSD

Better Days

One Republic 

Oh, I know that there'll be better days

Oh, that sunshine 'bout to come my way

May we never ever shed another tear for today

'Cause oh, I know that there'll be better days

Wakin' up in California

But these clouds they won't go away

Everyday is like another storm, yeah

I'm just tryin' not to go insane

Yeah, and the city shinin' so bright

So many dark nights, so many dark days

But any time I feel the paranoia

I close my eyes and I pray

Oh, I know that there'll be better days

Oh, that sunshine 'bout to come my way

May we never ever shed another tear for today

'Cause oh, I know that there'll be better days

Been wakin' up to a new year

Got the past million miles away

I'm waking up with a new fear (new fear)

But I know it'll wash away

Whatever you do, don't worry 'bout me

I'm thinkin' 'bout you, don't worry 'bout us

'Cause in the morning everything can change, yeah

And time will tell you it does

Oh, I know that there'll be better days

Oh, that sunshine 'bout to come my way

May we never ever shed another tear for today

'Cause oh, I know that there'll be better days

Better days

Better days

Better days

Better days

May we never ever shed another tear for today

'Cause oh, I know that there'll be better days

May we never ever shed another tear for today

'Cause oh, I know that there'll be better days

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Brent Michael Kutzle / John Nathaniel / Ryan B Tedder

Better Days lyrics © Downtown Music Publishing 

Bonus video 

You Raise Me Up

Celtic Women 

Do What You Can
Bon Jovi

forget yesterday, own tomorrow

PTSD Patrol
Kathie Costos
February 18, 2021

"I just want to go back to the way I was." How many times have you wished you could? How many times have you tried to figure out a way to do that?

That is something that everyone with PTSD wishes they could do, but no one can go back to yesterday. The best way to deal with that fact is to understand the power that you do have over tomorrow. You get to define every moment as a survivor.

Life is all about changes. One day you lived your "normal" life but something happened to you. You went from the way you were before, into being a victim of whatever caused your PTSD. In the blink of an eye, you then became a survivor of it. Since you understand that PTSD was caused by changes that happened to you, now you can understand that the rest of you tomorrows are in your control.

This is why today the featured video is The Beatles, Yesterday.

The best way to move on from longing for yesterday, is to grieve for it being gone. Let out the pain you feel so that you can get that lousy feeling out of the way, and good feelings can move in. In other words, make some room for a better tomorrow by honoring what you left behind you.

Remember, it is your life...get in and drive it!

#BreakTheSilence and #TakeBackYourLife from #PTSD

Yesterday

The Beatles 

All my troubles seemed so far away

Now it looks as though they're here to stay

Oh, I believe in yesterday

Suddenly

I'm not half the man I used to be

There's a shadow hangin' over me

Oh, yesterday came suddenly

Why she had to go, I don't know, she wouldn't say

I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday

Yesterday

Love was such an easy game to play

Now I need a place to hide away

Oh, I believe in yesterday

Why she had to go, I don't know, she wouldn't say

I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday

Yesterday

Love was such an easy game to play

Now I need a place to hide away

Oh, I believe in yesterday

Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: John Lennon / Paul McCartney

Yesterday lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC 

everybody hurts...not everybody helps when you do

PTSD Patrol 

Kathie Costos 

February 17, 2021

Everybody struggles with something they need help with. When you have PTSD, you are struggling with a a lot of things, but feeling like you cannot find someone to trust makes it worse.

When you are hurting and surrounded by people enjoying themselves, it can change your mood. That does not always happen in a good way. Most of the time, you can push back your pain so that no one sees it. Sometimes you can't. Sometimes you have to just walk away before you cry in front of them.

Why? Why be so afraid to show you are struggling with something? Sometimes it goes back to when you were a kid and got hurt. If you had people around you, letting you lean on them when you needed to, or being there to do what you couldn't do, remember those times. Tap into that trust again as an adult.

But what if others told you to just suck it up...get over it...stop crying...grow up? You are tapping into those memories keeping you from trusting anyone with your pain now.

Stop! Stop judging people you know now based on the people in your past. Your world is no longer a tiny group of people. As much as you may have encountered some who do rebuff you when you try to ask for help, there are others that tapped into their own pain enough to feel yours.

This is why today the featured video is R.E.M. Everybody Hurst.

If you reach out to one, and do not find the support you need, reach out to someone else. Keep doing it because sooner or later, you'll find others who not only know what you are going through, those willing to help you remember what it was like when no one would help them. They also know what it was like when they found someone who did and they want to be that person for you. 

Remember, it is your life...get in and drive it!

#BreakTheSilence and #TakeBackYourLife from #PTSD

Everybody Hurts

R.E.M.

When your day is long

And the night, the night is yours alone

When you're sure you've had enough

Of this life, well hang on

Don't let yourself go

'Cause everybody cries

Everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong

Now it's time to sing along

When your day is night alone (hold on, hold on)

If you feel like letting go (hold on)

If you think you've had too much

Of this life, well hang on

'Cause everybody hurts

Take comfort in your friends

Everybody hurts

Don't throw your hand, oh no

Don't throw your hand

If you feel like you're alone

No, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life

The days and nights are long

When you think you've had too much

Of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes

Everybody cries

Everybody hurts, sometimes

And everybody hurts sometimes

So hold on, hold on

Hold on, hold on, hold on

Hold on, hold on, hold on

Everybody hurts

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Mills / Berry / Buck / Stipe

Everybody Hurts lyrics © Night Garden Music