Out Of My Darkest Hours

PTSD Patrol
Kahtie Costos
December 19, 2020

This may make you think I'm insane, but if you've been reading these posts or watching the videos....you already figured that one out.

When things were really hard, I could't talk to my friends, because they didn't want know what PTSD was. I would listen to them complain about the finest things, and get so upset as if they were complaining about something enormous...and I'd walk away knowing the difference between ego being bent out of shape, and what it was like to see someone you love suffering.

I couldn't talk to my family as much as I wanted to, because they'd usually listen, then tell me I should get a divorce. There were times when I couldn't brush off their lousy advice, so I wouldn't even open the door to it happening.

I would go for rides and listen to the radio. Most songs are love songs, which was something I didn't really want to hear, even the ones about love gone bad, didn't comfort me.

Then I found myself singing them to heaven. All my life, faith was as natural as breathing. I knew I could talk to Jesus no matter what I was going through, because of everything He went through.

One of the songs that gave me comfort,  was Gloria Estefan, I See Your Smile, especially this part.

'Cause I know I have to do this

Would you hold my hand right through it

'Cause when I close my eyes

I still can see your smile

It's bright enough to light my life

Out of my darkest hour

Please believe it's true

When I tell you I love you 

It was written about the relationship she had with her husband in the beginning, but for me, it reminds of my relationship with my husband as much as it did with the one I had to Jesus. 

I wasn't alone when I talked to Him. I could feel His smile and find peace in my soul, so I knew I was loved. He was the Light in my darkest hours because He filled me with hope.

No easy days, but He made it easier. No quick miracles, but He gave me strength and patience until mini-miracles turned into big ones.

He guided me to where I could learn about what my husband was going through, and what I went through. I gained the power to change by learning what was possible and how to find peace with what was impossible to change. Songs like this got us through all these years....we met in 1982.

Find something that gives you comfort, even if you have to tweak the meaning for what you need out of it.

Remember, it is your life....get in and drive it!

#BreakTheSilence and #TakeBackYourLife from PTSD

Gloria Estefan, I See Your Smile

I, get a little tongue twisted

Every time I talk to you

When I see you

And I'm so glad that you just missed it

The way I stared

To memorize your face.

To kiss you in my mind

Love you all the time

'Cause when I close my eyes

I still can see your smile

It's bright enought to light my life

Out of my darkest hour

Please believe it's true

When I tell you I love you

I've taken too many chances

Searching for the truth in love

That's in my heart

Tell me if I made the wrong advances

Tell me if I've made you feel ashamed

'Cause I know I have to do this

Would you hold my hand right through it

'Cause when I close my eyes

I still can see your smile

It's bright enough to light my life

Out of my darkest hour

Please believe it's true

When I tell you I love you

I had to let you know

Just what would happen

Yes, I had to let

You know the truth

I know I've got to do this

Would you hold my

Hand right through it

Would you

'Cause when I close my eyes

I still can see your smile

It's bright enough to light my life

Out of my darkest hour

'Cause when I close my eyes

I still can see your smile

It's bright enough to light my life

Out of my darkest hour

I know this

Is true when I

Tell you I love you

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Jon Secada / Miguel Morejon

I See Your Smile lyrics © Foreign Imported Prod. And Publishing 

In You I find my worth

PTSD Patrol
Kathie Costos
December 18 2020

There are so many things that get left off the list of things to think about during Christmas. Something always gets left off the list. Wrapping gifts, but forgot to buy tags. Wrote out the Christmas cards, but forgot to buy stamps. Buy toys for the kids but since most of them are electronic, they do no good unless you remembered to buy batteries. 

You may plan the meal out perfectly but if you left something off the grocery list, the chances are, you'll have to order take out. 

Things that started out with good intentions, can end up causing problems. So many things can happen to "ruin" Christmas in normal years, but this year is not a "normal" one for anyone.

The question is, how can not buying something ruin a day to honor a gift that was given in love and free to all who wanted it?

This is supposed to be about honoring the gift from God when He gave the world His Son. The Son Who came to tell the people they were loved and worthy of the Life brought to them.

Oh sure, Christ's life was sent to be sacrificed for all of us, but the life He lived between that day in Bethlehem and the day in Golgotha, He gave the gifts of love, compassion, mercy, forgiveness and hope. He was the Son of God, but even He asked for help to fulfill His mission. He was homeless as He traveled from town to town giving the people the Good News and healing the sick. 

From the Bible we know there is nothing that He did not encounter the rest of us live with, including being betrayed, abandoned and abused. He knew what it was like to go hungry too. Christ also knew what it was like to not have everything needed to celebrate a wedding when they ran out of wine, so His first public miracle was turning water into wine. He also knew what it was like to cry.

So why is it that when we run out of faith, and gifts given to us, we never seem appreciate them because we failed to plan on needing them?

Life is hard enough but we make it harder when something that was given to us is put into a a box that is taken out a couple of times a year but collects dust the rest of it. It is a living gift that needs to be fed but we end up letting it go hungry, then wonder why it died.

Time to put this gift on your list so that you can heal your soul and ease your heart. The greatest gifts are not the ones you buy, but the ones you create and appreciate.

What you need to heal PTSD, is there. What you need to be happier, is there. What you need to be a gift to those you love is there. All you have to do is open it up and be open to what you can gain by the greatest Gift the world has ever known.

Remember, it is your life...get in and drive it!

#BreakTheSilence and #TakeBackYourLife from #PTSD

You Say

Song by Lauren Daigle

I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I'm not enough

Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up

Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low?

Remind me once again just who I am, because I need to know, ooh oh

You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing

You say I am strong when I think I am weak

And You say I am held when I am falling short

And when I don't belong, oh, You say I am Yours

And I believe (I), oh, I believe (I)

What You say of me (I)

I believe

The only thing that matters now is everything You think of me

In You I find my worth, in You I find my identity, ooh oh

You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing

You say I am strong when I think I am weak

And You say I am held when I am falling short

When I don't belong, oh, You say I am Yours

And I believe (I), oh, I believe (I)

What You say of me (I)

Oh, I believe

Taking all I have and now I'm layin' it at Your feet

You'll have every failure God, You'll have every victory, ooh oh

You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing

You say I am strong when I think I am weak

You say I am held when I am falling short

When I don't belong, oh, You say I am Yours

And I believe (I), oh, I believe (I)

What You say of me (I)

I believe

Oh, I believe (I), yes, I believe (I)

What You say of me (I)

I believe (oh)

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Jason Ingram / Lauren Daigle / Paul Brendon Mabury

You Say lyrics © Essential Music Publishing 

stop spectating and start participating!

PTSD Patrol
Kathie Costos
December 17, 2020

Today the feature video is a quirky song by Opus Life Is Life. My buddy Gunny suggested it yesterday when I mentioned I needed a chair dancing song after a few days of sad ones.

When I listened to it, sure enough, I was chair dancing and having a lot of fun enjoying this group. It got me thinking about how there are all kinds of people in this world. Some of them are just spectators, just watching other people do things and enjoying their lives. Then there are the participants who are doing the doing and the dreaming and the moving....

If you have PTSD, sure, being a spectator is safer but it isn't healing. You heal by participating in your own life. Do what you can to be happier and dream about better days to the point where you stop spectating and start participating!

Remember, it is your life...get in and drive it!

#BreakTheSilence and #TakeBackYourLife from #PTSD

Yes it is snowing again...and we got hammered!

Opus - Life Is Life (Live)

All together now

Live is life

Live is life

Live is life

When we all give the power

We all give the best

Every minute of an hour

Don't think about a rest

Then you all get the power

You all get the best

When everyone gives everything

And every song everybody sings

Then it's life

Live is life

Live is life

Live

Live is life, when we all feel the power

Live is life, come on stand up and dance

Live is life, when the feeling of the people

Live is life, is the feeling of the band, yeah

When we all give the power

We all give the best

Every minute of an hour

Don't think about a rest

Then you all get the power

You all get the best

And everyone gives everything and every song

Everybody sings

Then it's live

Live is life

Live

Live is life

Live 

Live Is life

Live 

Live Is life

And you call when it's over

You call it should last

Every minute of the future

Is a memory of the past

'Cause we all gave the power

We all gave the best

And everyone gave everything and every song

Everybody sang

Live is life

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Ewald Pfleger / Guenter Grasmuck / Herwig Ruedisser / Kurt Plisnier / Peter Niklas Gruber

Live Is Life lyrics © Downtown Music Publishing 

Healing The Heart Scar

Healing The Heart Scar

by

Kathie Costos

It is time for you to realize

the pain is showing in your eyes.

It shouldn't come as a surprise

that you can't cover it up with lies.

Your heart has a huge scar

but it doesn't change who you are.

They say the truth shall set you free

so why don't you talk to me?

Yesterday does not get to win

if you take the first step to begin

to share with me your fears and pain

and fight this together again.

Your heart has a huge scar

but it doesn't change who you are.

They say the truth shall set you free

so why don't you talk to me?

I still see all that is good in you

and even though the things you do

to push me away

only make me more determined to stay.

Your heart has a huge scar

but it doesn't change who you are.

They say the truth shall set you free

so why don't you talk to me?

No one can change what happened before

but the future is an open door.

Only you can change what you do

to take back your life from the ghosts following you.

Your heart has a huge scar

but it doesn't change who you are.

They say the truth shall set you free

so why don't you talk to me?

You lived through something I may never understand

but I am still holding out my hand

waiting for you to take a chance with me

so that we can heal the pain that does not need to be.

Your heart has a huge scar

but it doesn't change who you are.

They say the truth shall set you free

so why don't you talk to me?

Surviving should not be a thing to grieve

when "All things are possible to those who believe"

and you will not longer try to hide

all the pain you feel inside.

Your heart has a huge scar

but it doesn't change who you are.

They say the truth shall set you free

so why don't you talk to me?

*** Mark 9:23***

Last night my husband was watching an Eagles concert and when I heard "I Can't Tell You Why" I went to bed remembering what it was like for me when I recognized the pain in my husband's eyes, because I had the same pain in mine.

I wrote Healing The Heart Scar this morning because sometimes the people who love the one with PTSD, have no idea how to tell them what they want to. I know, because as much as I understood about PTSD, I had a hard time talking to my husband in the beginning. 

If you love someone, show them the poem. It will let them know you do not blame them and you love them enough to want to help them.

If you are the one suffering and don't know how to ask for help, then have them listen to the song from the Eagles. It will open the door to having a heart to heart talk. Most of the time they have no idea what is going on with you but they see the changes as much as they see the pain in your eyes.

Remember, it is your life...get in and drive it.

#BreakTheSilence and #TakeBackYourLife from #PTSD

Eagles 1979 I Can't Tell You Why

Look at us baby, up all night

Tearing our love apart

Aren't we the same two people who live

Through years in the dark?

Ahh

Every time I try to walk away

Something makes me turn around and stay

And I can't tell you why

When we get crazy

It just ain't to right (try to keep you head little girl)

Girl I get lonely too

You don't have to worry

Just hold on tight (don't get caught in your little world)

Cause I love you

Nothing's wrong as far as I can see

We make it harder than it has to be

And I can't tell you why

No, baby, I can't tell you why

I can't tell you why

Every time I try to walk awayv Something makes me turn around and stay

And I can't tell you why

No, no, baby, I can't tell you why

I can't tell you why

I can't tell you why

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Don Henley / Timothy B. Schmit / Glenn Lewis Frey

I Can't Tell You Why lyrics © Warner Chappell Music, Inc, Eb Music Services 

Grieving Christmas

UPDATE

Dr. Saumya Dave was just on MSNBC talking about this and offering advice on how to get through this holiday. The first thing is to honor what you are feeling....

Here is a good video from Dr. Dave Campbell on mental health during COVID-19

PTSD Patrol
Kathie Costos
December 14, 2020

Christmas is supposed to be a happy time, when we're all getting gifts, writing cards and planning parties. That is what it is supposed to be like but for many people, it is a sad time. When you've lost people to send  cards to, have no money to buy gifts because you don't have enough money to simply survive, and there is a pandemic keeping people apart, it seems worse than normal days.

Right now there are over 300,000 lives lost because of COVID-19, and many more will follow. Over 16 million people have been hit by this killer, and many of them will have the illnesses linger for years. There are thousands and thousands in the hospitals fighting for their lives, and their families cannot see them.

Losing people in your life makes it worse. After my Dad died, at the age of 58, it was hard. It was hard when one of my brothers died at 43. It was hard when my Mom passed away at 85. When my oldest brother died, it was the hardest loss for me. I stopped sending Christmas cards. I kept thinking in time, this time of year I used to love, would once again be something I felt good about. I am still waiting for that year.

The thing is, people like us need to be comforted too. That is why today, I picked a couple of videos about loss. If you have PTSD, it could have come with loss too. But you are not alone. 

The best advice I can give is, don't put needless pressure on yourself. Do not try to act happy when you need some space. Try to push any negative memories out of your head and take comfort with the good ones you have. Above all, take care of yourself and do what you can honor your feelings of loss. Include the people who are still in your life in doing something that you need as a gift from them.

Go to the cemetery. Make cards for those you lost. Watch a movie that was their favorite. Paint pictures of them, or collect pictures of things that mattered to them and make a collage. Pick something that will help you remember what this time of year is supposed to be all about.....a season of love.

The Sweetest Gift

Song by The Piano Guys

I'm not gonna lie

Christmas really hurts this time

Cause you're not here to celebrate with me

Tears fill my eyes

The memories flood my mind

As I place your ornament upon our tree

Although this year I have a broken heart

It gives me hope and joy as I remember where you are

You're with the Son of God

You're with the Prince of Peace

You're with the one who's celebrating

And that thought amazes me

Sometimes I still break down

Grieving that we're apart

But the sweetest gift is knowing where you are

You're with the Son of God

Got your picture in the frame

And a stocking with your name

Oh God knows it's been hard letting go

And I can't bring you back but I'll see you again

And all that thought is healing to my soul

I'll miss making angels with you in the snow

I guess instead you will be singing with them all around God's throne

You're with the Son of God

You're with the Prince of Peace

You're with the one who's celebrating

And that thought amazes me

Sometimes I still break down

Grieving that we're apart

But the sweetest gift is knowing where you are

Cause you're with the Son of God

And I know the Christmas season was your favorite time of year

You loved to help us decorate our tree

But now that you're with Jesus

Can't imagine how you feel

'Cause he's the one who bleed and died

Upon the tree for you and me

You're with the Son of God

You're with the Prince of Peace

You're with the one who's celebrating

And that thought amazes me

Sometimes I still break down

Grieving that we're apart

But the sweetest gift is knowing where you are

Yes, the sweetest gift is knowing where you are

Yes, the sweetest gift is knowing you're in his arms

You're with the Son of God

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Craig Aven 

Phil Collins - Since I Lost You 

It seems in a moment your whole world can shatter

Like morning dreams they just disappear

Like dust in your hand falling to the floor

Oh, how can life ever be the same

'Cos my heart is broken in pieces

Yes, my heart is broken in pieces

Since you've been gone

It's all too easy to take so much for granted

But it's so hard to find the words to say

Like a castle in the sand the water takes away

But how can life ever be the same

'Cos my heart is broken in pieces

Yes, my heart is broken in pieces

Since I've lost you

Oh, now you'll never see

Oh, you'll never know

All the things I planned for you

Things for you and me, oh

I held your hand so tightly

That I couldn't let it go

Now how can life ever be the same

'Cos my heart is broken in pieces

Yes, my heart is broken in pieces

Since I've lost you

My heart girl, is broken in pieces

Oh, my heart is broken in pieces

Since you've been gone

My heart, I know, broken in pieces

Yes, my heart is broken in pieces

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Anthony Banks / Phil Collins / Michael Rutherford

Longfellow grieve too!